Films that should exist: The King’s Crank

If there is just one little criticism that could be aimed at the King’s Speech it’s that the basic idea is a little bit quite massively boring. It could use some sexing up: make it a bit more exciting, give it that wow factor – a King that has to deal with a stammer is really not the most eye-catching of premises and today’s demanding audiences are going to need something more – I mean, when we have hugely popular films about cars that can change form into giant racist robots and teen dramas about necrophiliac/bestiality love triangles. A film about some posh guy from history with a minor ailment is just not going to cut it. I mean, even other historical films with kings and queens in – like Elizabeth and Lord of the Rings – remember to include some battle scenes: imagine if all Elizabeth did was try to cure a lisp, or Aragorn was mainly concerned with nervous hiccups. Still there is an easy way to fix The King’s Speech – simply merge elements of it with some elements from Crank, the action-packed 2006 film starring Jason Statham.

The King’s Crank would star Colin Firth again as King George VI, cursed with a stutter that he simply must get sorted in order to make an important speech. But to confound matters further, a rival king has injected him with a ‘Beijing Cocktail’ – a drug that will lower his heart rate gradually over the course of a day until eventually it stops! The only way to counter this is adrenaline – King George can keep his heart rate up with a heady mix of action, excitement, drugs and sex! And obviously this makes trying to cure the stutter even more tricky due to all the explosions and gun fights.

In one memorable scene we see Colin Firth forced to use defibrillators on himself and inject himself with raw adrenaline while engaged in a running gun battle and difficult elocution lesson. Later, he runs up the high street in a hospital gown with nothing but a gun, his top hat and erection to his name, while Geoffrey Rush struggles to keep up. Finally he delivers his speech while simultaneously having sex with Amy Smart and falling out of a helicopter.

Sure there are still people that will be put off by the fact that it is about a King with a stammer, but these simple changes will likely do quite well with the discerning teenage demographic while still remaining true the core historical facts. I would assume Colin Firth would be up for it – it would make a nice change for him from all those boring roles he keeps getting – let’s fast track this one.

2 Comments on “Films that should exist: The King’s Crank

  1. This is the most ignorant and embarrassing film review I have ever read. Not even being a huge film fanatic myself, I am not one for a film that may bore me to tears, but if this person’s idea of making a film about history more interesting is to “sex it up” or make it about repugnant werewolf characters then it’s time you step down from film reviewing.

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