In that strange way that sometimes happens as a result of every ‘good’ Hollywood idea immediately spawning a bunch of imitations we have two Snow White films on the way more or less simultaneously, though to be fair I have no idea which is the imitation so lets be fair and call them both rip-offs. Great news if you are the one person on Earth that gets excited by the idea of a film about Snow White: a story which has been told a zillion times before and was pretty lame the first time seeing as it revolves around a chick eating an apple with dwarves. The thing is, one of them – called ‘Mirror, Mirror’ is being directed by Tarsem Singh, the genius behind ‘The Fall’ and the almost-genius behind ‘The Cell’ and the director of ‘Immortals’ that I haven’t seen yet. Sean Bean is in it. That’s enough to get me relatively excited.
The other one: ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ stars Kristen Stewart as the least appealing Snow White ever (I means seriously, I can understand not liking to smile because it is quite hard work, but has no-one told her that she is in films? Make a bit of effort) and is directed by someone called Rupert Sanders that IMDB reliably informs me has done literally nothing with his life so far. So let’s have a trailer showdown, because I refuse to watch two films about Snow White so I need to know which one is the definitive version:
Here’s Snow White and the Huntsman by Rupert ‘Mr Nobody’ Sanders:
Huh… that actually looks really good. I suppose I should have noticed that Charlize Theron was in it, she’s awesome (although she does sound just a bit like her Rita character from Arrested Development when she is talking to the mirror). And I’m sorry but that magic mirror is just broken – “there is another who will one day be fairer… believe it or not, it’s Kristen Stewart” – time to check the warranty. Oh and Chris Hemsworth aka Thor is just running around twirling axes and swinging them at nothing in particular at one point which may look very dramatic but is pretty pointless and will just tire him out. And there is some huge forest monster thing that looks straight out of Guillermo del Toro’s Big Book of Weird Ideas For Creatures.
And there are knights on horses having big, fun battles? I don’t recall this bit from the Snow White story I know – but surely Sean Bean is supposed to be involved in this one, that totally looks like his sort of thing. It all looks pretty badass which is not a word I would usually use to describe Snow White… I might actually have to watch a film with Kristen Stewart in, though to be fair despite having the title role I doubt anyone will really notice her – she has a very forgettable face.
Next up here is Tarsem ‘Fucking’ Singh’s Mirror, Mirror which you have to assume will look even better seeing as he is an experienced director that made one of the most beautiful films ever:
Ahh, what the fuck? That looks terrible. At one point that guy was acting like a puppy, what was that all about? And where was Sean Bean? I was looking forward to seeing if he would wear his own clothes again. Did they see the Huntsman trailer and think that they had to make a trailer to show the exact opposite qualities? Where Huntsman is dark, gothic and interesting, they have gone for comical, stupid and stupid again. The dwarves (or are they Ewoks?) actually say ‘Snow way!’ which presumably they nabbed from Arnie’s Mr Freeze.
The only thing this film misses is some sort of comedy CGI talking animal getting into antics and hijinks, though maybe the cockroach will do something zany. Oh and mirror? Am I the only one noticing the eyebrows? Maybe the mirror sees potential.
I can just imagine Sean Bean looking at these two trailers side by side: ‘I’ve made a huge mistake’.